Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.